THIS IS MOTHERHOOD
By Rumaisa Tirmizi
Motherhood took me by surprise. It happened when I was least expecting it and for a month my mind went into a loop of, “I am not ready for this”. But, when are we ever ready for this emotional roller coaster? The answer is, never.
I was in love with someone who did not even exist.
It would always be overwhelming no matter what. It was an absolutely alien feeling for me as I was in love with someone who did not even exist. I kept imagining this tiny little button which was about to turn my life upside down. And I realized only motherhood allows you to feel such spectrum of emotions.
Then came the time when nights turned into days and days into nights and I had no recollection of what was happening in the world, around me, whatsoever, as my world had centered over a little ball of flesh who would want all her needs met just through crying at the top of her lungs with her bundled up fists in the air.
There were days that I wanted to run far away, days that I wanted to question every decision I had ever made, days when I would ask myself, “Seriously, what were you even thinking?” Needless to say, they were usually overshadowed by the times she would look me in the eyes and giggle like she had just shared a joke, which was just between her and me. When she would, involuntarily, rub her chubby little palms against my cheek. When she would look at the ceiling fan in awe, like there was nothing more fascinating in the world. One look at her, first thing in the morning, and my heart would be overflowing with hopeless love.
Was it even possible to feel so much love for someone that you actually feel like you might die of an overdose?
It still baffles me. I had, suddenly, become this vulnerable person with all of my nerve endings raw and exposed. Nonetheless, the mother who came into existence along with the child had made me stern and protective. I, now, had a ferocious lioness residing in me, who would not compromise her Cub’s well being if she ever felt threatened. The feeling is unimaginable, otherwise. It is something which is insurmountable in any other relationship. It’s the love that is continually growing and asking for more and better. It’s about being strong when you are perpetually broken inside, about smiling when you want to break down and crying when you are smiling with joy. I would not, could not, trade it for anything in the world. This is the best thing I have ever become and would ever be in life. This is the most amazing love I have ever felt.
This is, probably, the best thing about being me.
This post was submitted to the all female facebook group, Girls Gone Global by Dear Alyne.